Lunchtime
“You are hereby sentenced to death by firing squad,” spat the judge, in the direction of the defendant, who was only three feet away from him. He was completely emotionless, as if the last sentence he uttered had been ordering his lunch. And in fact, immediately afterward, the judge began deciding what to have for lunch. He stood, and exited. The defendant would see that man many times more for the appeals process.
Upon hearing the verdict, the defendant immediately began laughing. He had a strange smile on his face that didn’t fade until the next morning. The defendant was then taken away through the double doors on the side of the courthouse. Above the double doors was a picture of a blindfolded woman holding scales, with both scales at an equal height, blind justice.
Once in his office, the judge retreated to his desk. Inscribed in it was a quote: “Truth. Justice. Honor.” He began filing the necessary paperwork that was triggered by the course of events in the courtroom. It took him a mere minute, he faxed it off, and about twenty minutes later the ordered hamburger came by an intern.
The intern was acting in a hurried manner. As soon as he entered and dropped off the food he ran off. From outside the office, the intern could hear, “Forgot the mayonnaise, goddammit!!” which was nearly screamed. The judge then proceeded to spew a wide range of profanities, which when asked how he had such a collection, claimed that they all came from his bad tempered defendants. He began to mumble, “do it myself...goddammit...damn mayonnaise...MAYONNAISE,” Disgruntled, the judge shot his sandwich in the trash, and marched out his office, and hopped into his intern’s car.
“Hello, welcome to Burger King, how may I take your order.”
“Gimme three cheeseburgers, a large fry, and uhh what, what do you call those ice cream things?”
“Oh a frosty?"
“Yeah sure, why don’t cha’ give me ‘un large frosty and...” as he continued, the cashier began to lose interest and think about her lunch break.
“Okay, yes, sir, sure thing. That’ll be $2.84”
“OK whatever, just get me my food fast.”
“Yes, sir, here is your…” he trailed off.
The judge then sped away from the ordering window, accelerated to about 40 MPH, even though the next window was a measly 4 yards away. The senseless act caused the judge to slam into the car in front of him, which was rocked forward. Through the window the judge could see the woman flailing her arms and freaking out. She was about to scream the judge’s ear off.
The judge then proceeded to scream a very high shrill scream, with full force, using his entire body. His limbs followed by flailing all around, until the judge decided what he was going to do. He accelerated and sped onto the road, except he never took his foot off the break. 80. 100. 120. 140. 160. 190. 220.
The defendant was sitting in his cell staring at his wall. “I’m going to die soon,” he said, with a sad demeanor, but not that sad. Not death sad, sad as in someone just stepped on his lunch.
Smoke filled the cell. The car was pressing against the defendant’s head. The judge was three feet away from him. His head was laid on the steering wheel, with red liquid pouring from all around him. The defendant walked straight up to him, and simply whispered, “Thank you,” and he walked away.
Precisely two minutes and eight seconds later the judge raised his head. “My drink, goddammit!!!” He got out of his car, and returned to his office. As soon as he sat down in his chair, his intern entered his office. He was shocked. Not car crash shocked, but shocked like someone just slapped his lunch out of his hands.
“I’m going to have to request to take the rest of the day off,” he said, almost ashamed, “my car has been hijacked and crashed,”
“This is highly unacceptable,” he continued in a very monotone voice, “I would expect more from someone like you. Good thing you’re not paid.”
Immediately afterwards, police officers entered his office and seized the intern. One officer took hold of one arm, while the other took hold of his other arm.
“Excuse us your honor, we have reason to believe that your intern here has helped a convict escape. We scanned the license plate, and found that he owned the crashed car.”
“No, it, it, no, it was stolen! It was hijacked! Tell ‘em your honor, tell ‘em!”
“I’ve never thought less of anyone else in this world than you,” said the judge, staring right into the soul of his intern. “Get him out of my sight,”
“Does this mean I’m fired?”
“No, and you’ve done so well you’ve made your pension fifty years early! Congratulations!”
The judge looked down at his papers while the intern was taken away. He began working on the paperwork for the convict case. After the intern was taken away, he stared out the window thinking about what to eat for lunch.
