3 Poems

Poem 1: Afghan Landay

        Original Draft:      My people scorched, called “just damnation”.

The blood of my people fell as precipitation.

Revised Draft: My people scorched for “just damnation”,

reasoned as leading us to glorious salvation.

Poem 2: Japanese Tanka

        Original Draft:                Valleys everywhere

Butterflies diving quite low

Quacking duckbills boom

Moths dancing all around you

Clouds wisping through the wild winds

          Revised Draft:          Beautiful bright trees

Disgusting giant buildings

Beautiful bright bees

Artificial clouds inflate

Caught in a burning vapor

Poem 3: Free Verse

Original Draft: Geeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna  to ate sum aple sauce!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna play with billy!!!

I want to hang with Clara.

Wish I had some money.

I want to go to college.

I am going to get a job.

I need to meet someone.

I need a raise.

I am going to build a crib.

I need money.

I ought to get a more expensive car.

I would like to retire.

I can’t wait for my grandchildren!!!!

Why didn’t  little Timmy invite me to his game?!?!

Geeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Revised Draft:

Wail(s)

(Santa)

(School)

(Job)

(Sports)

(College)

  (Career)

(Job)

(Marriage)

(Children)

(Promotion)

(Retire)

(Tranquility)

(Grandchildren)

Wail(s)

1 Experience; 2 Passages Each with Different Tones

Passage 1; Tone 1

                          My goldfish died last week. I haven’t left my house since. I've been crying and weeping and weeping and crying and crying and weeping. I ran out of Kleenex day two of mourning, but that didn't stop me from lamenting over his death. It’s very hard to relive the moment, but I guess it’s necessary in order for you to better understand what happened.

                          I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like when you wake up and are zombified, so groggy everything you see in your eyes is a giant smear. Everything appears to be a giant smudge in your eyes and you can’t see defined shapes, except I could see my goldfish, with it’s bright orange and yellow body against the blackness of the dark kitchen. I could tell it was dead because it was just sprawled across the bottom of the tank.

                          Upon seeing the corpse of my dearly beloved friend, I immediately collapsed upon the floor, filled with dread, where I would remain, much like my fish, sprawled across the kitchen floor until my father would find me fast asleep seven hours later, in the late hours of the morning. How could my fish do this to me?

Passage 2; Tone 2

                          My goldfish lived a very long life. He was happy, and died how everyone wants to die, fast asleep. I've had him since I was 7, and he was always a very loyal fish, blowing bubbles whenever I would come home. I am lucky to have had him.

                          When I found out he died, and it is worth mentioning that I found out in the middle of the night, I instantaneously fell asleep with relief. He had been dealing with debilitating cataracts recently, so it was good he finally had an end to his horrible struggle.

                          I will always remember the wonderful memories we had together. Memories such as when I picked him out among all the other goldfish because of his wonderful personality, when we ate ice cream every Saturday, when I almost lost him when we were swimming at the beach, and when we were making snow angels, those are all priceless moments. Thanks buddy for the good times.